


The Diary That (Mostly) Never Was - WIP

by missthingsplace



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, Rating: PG13, Ratings: PG, Series, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-21
Updated: 2014-03-05
Packaged: 2018-01-13 07:57:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 5,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1218526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missthingsplace/pseuds/missthingsplace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood or any of the characters ... unfortunately.<br/>Spoilers: End of days<br/>Warnings: I forsee lots of angst. </p><p>Ianto's diary entries in the year that never was ...</p><p>A/N: Chapters are deliberately short like diary entries.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

Ianto picked up his diary, opened it to the correct page and picked up his pen. He hadn't written in it the day before, he just couldn't bring himself to, but he needed to get his thoughts and feelings out of his head. He had a feeling he wouldn't be writing in it every day as usual for a while.

Tuesday 22nd August 2007

We thought he was dead, dead and gone despite Gwen telling us he had told her he could never die, hell we had seen him come back to life after Owen shot him. But it had been days, I wish I had had the nerve to tell Gwen to get away from his side, that I wanted to be the one waiting for him to wake up, how much I cared for him.

And then, just as we had all given up hope, including Gwen, he was there, standing with Gwen. Alive, oh so alive. The feelings of happiness that flooded through me are indescribable, even as I walked over to him with my hand out to shake his I couldn't quite believe he wasn't just a ghost. Then when he pulled me into his arms and kissed me I felt so wonderful, I knew I meant something to him other than a part-time shag.

And then he left. No note, nothing. Just seemed to vanish off the face of the earth, something had taken him. Something bad? Would he be hurt? Would he ever come back? Did whoever took him know of him, did they take him on purpose because they hated him or loved him? To many questions, they are making my brain ache. All I know is I miss him, I physically ache for him already and he's only been gone a day.

I want to cry but the tears won't come, maybe my head is being over ruled by my heart that still beats in the hope he will return. Maybe I will be able to think clearer in the days that follow, I know I should go home to my flat but I don't want to be alone, even when the others aren't here there's still Myfanwy to keep me company and try and distract my thoughts. Maybe tonight I'll be able to sleep.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Sunday 26th August 2007

I finally got up the nerve to check the CCTV footage today, of the hub and the Plass for the day Jack vanished. I found him, he was running across the Plass and then he vanished. Just literally vanished, one second he was there in full view and the next he was gone. I don't know how this makes me feel, it looks like he left of his own free will on one hand, but how did he just disappear?

I think the others are beginning to realise that I'm not going home at night, I had them fooled for the first few days by telling them I was just coming in early but Toshiko came in early this morning and nearly caught me on the sofa with a pillow and blanket. Luckily I'm still not sleeping and as soon as I heard the cog door open I was off the sofa with the blanket and pillow, shoving them in Jack's office before she saw me but the look she gave me told me my secret was out.

I'm running on coffee and adrenaline at the moment, the insomnia is so bad now that if I do manage to drift off at some point I will be awake again in a couple of hours and back where I started. I'm not hungry, I know I should be eating something but I just can't face food. Gwen bought doughnuts with her yesterday, I took one and had a bite but just the feel of food in my mouth made me heave. I had to go and get rid of it, I couldn't let it reach my stomach.

At least the others don't seem to have noticed that I'm not eating, but then they don't seem to be noticing much at all. Good 'ole Ianto, as long as he's around to make the coffee and stop them being buried under all the shit they manage to generate they mostly act like I don't exist. I swear if Owen calls me Tea Boy or Jack's part time shag once more I may shoot him again. Or at least punch him in the face.

tbc ...


	3. Chapter 3

Tuesday 12th September

Three weeks. Three whole weeks since Jack left, it seems so much longer. I don't know how I would have coped without Tosh, she's the only one who seems to have noticed I was coming apart. She's making me eat, I still feel sick to the stomach when I put food in my mouth but she won't let me move till I have eaten everything she's bought me and then she watches me like a hawk. I know she's worried I'll turn not eating into bulimia. I'm not stupid, if it's going to stay in my stomach of it's own accord I'm going to leave it there.

She hasn't asked any details about me and Jack, but she's a clever one. She knows I'm missing him like crazy and there must have been more between Jack and I than she or any of the others thought. If only they knew, the day Jack left, the day he kissed me I knew I had fallen for him hook, line and sinker. If I let myself think about it I might even tell myself I had fallen in love with him without even realising it.

Toshiko knows just when I need someone to hug, I think she's waiting for me to break down and cry but those tears are still elusive to me. I want to cry, I need to cry but it just won't come out. I think deep down that if I allow myself to cry I may come apart completely and I don't know if that will help or just make me feel worse. I've managed to avoid punching or shooting Owen so far, the last time he called me Tea Boy I must have looked like I was going to kill him, as even though I didn't say a word he backed off and hasn't repeated it since.

Myfanwy is screeching above me, she needs feeding and is not going to let my heartache get in the way of her dinner.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

Saturday 30th September

I'm contemplating trying to sleep in Jack's room below his office tonight, I've been trying to avoid going down there, too many reminders of Jack and the times we have spent in there doing more than sleeping but even Jack's small bed is more comfortable than the sofa, maybe being surrounded by his things will comfort me. I'm kind of scared they might make me feel worse, but I also wonder if that's possible?

I'm eating without Tosh forcing me now, not a lot but I'm eating. Owen seems to actually be concerned for my well being, even he couldn't miss how tired I am. He insisted on giving me a check over, I saw him wince when he saw the way my ribs are protruding through my chest but he never said a word. I have a feeling Tosh might have said something to him, I know that she's worried about me.

He's given me some sedatives and is insisting that I take some of them tonight, he told me that if I didn't sleep soon he would forcefully sedate me. I'd like to see him try, I'm sure he doesn't really want to wake up unconscious. Actually at the moment he could probably overpower me easily, that is not something I want to dwell on actually.

Maybe I'll go and sit in Jack's office for a while in his chair, I can put the CCTV on and watch the Plass from there, I'm wondering if I'm going to make myself mad sometimes by watching and waiting for signs of his return. Then maybe I'll take one of those damn pills and try and get some sleep.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

Saturday 6th October

I couldn't bring myself to take the pills Owen gave me, if I'm honest as tired as I'm feeling I don't want to get more sleep. In the short bursts of sleep I am getting I just keep having the same recurring dream, of Jack running across the Plass and then vanishing. I'm worried that if I sleep for longer it could turn into a full blown nightmare than I can't wake from because of all the damn pills. I'm keeping out of Owen's way, hoping that he doesn't realise that I'm not taking the pills, I can see him in my head creeping up on me with a sedative and not being able to stop him.

Gwen is driving me mad, she's acting like my mother, trying to get me to talk to her, asking me to tell her what's wrong, maybe I should tell her, that might shut her up, I know she has feelings for Jack and that's one thing that really pisses me off. She also wants me to go out in the field with them, tells me they need me, even more so since Jack left. How can I tell her I don't have the physical or mental energy for that at the moment?

So I just fob her off, tell her I have too much to do in the archives. I don't think she believes me but I don't give a damn. Tosh is my rock, we've grown so close since Jack left and I feel like I can tell her anything. She asked me today if I had cried yet, I lied and told her yes and that seemed to make her happy. I don't know when those tears will come, or what will set them off, but I know for certain they will happen eventually, I can feel them straining against the mental damn in my head.

I made a decision today, after a week of deliberation, I am going to go down into Jack's small room and spend the night there. I have no idea if I will sleep any better or if I actually want to but I have got to a point now where I need to be somewhere I can feel closer to Jack. Sometimes I seem to feel hate for him, for him leaving us, me but I want him back even more.

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

Sunday 7th October

I did it, I spent the night in Jack's bed last night. I got half way down the ladder and nearly chickened out, nearly climbed back out again but I forced myself down to the bottom. It looked like he had never left, his bed was still mussed up, from the last time we had shared it just before he died , I couldn't bring myself to go down there and make his bed and then he disappeared before I even thought about it again.

I stood staring at it for a while, remembering our last night together, what we had done between those sheets to mess it up so much. The room smelt of Jack, the smell of sex long since dispersed but Jack's scent still lingered, those pheromones seemed to permitate every inch of the room and they seemed into my brain and that was the moment I fell apart. Once the tears stared to fall there was no stopping them, I don't know how long I cried for but it seemed like hours.

I remember crawling into Jack's bed and hugging his pillow to my chest, breathing in his scent as my tears soaked it. It's a good thing there was no one else in the hub because I know I was bawling out loud like a baby, I probably scared Myfanwy, she did seem a little wary of me when I fed her this morning. I woke up hours later, after a dreamless sleep, the longest sleep I've had since Jack left. I'm not sure how I feel now the damn has burst, I'm going to sleep in Jack's bed again tonight.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

Monday 22nd October 2007

I don't think I've left the hub other than to go home and fetch clean clothes since Jack left, I've spent every night in Jack's bed. I left it as long as possible before changing the bedding, I didn't want to lose the scent of Jack from the sheets as I lie between them but it had to be done eventually and I found a t shirt of his under the bed that hadn't been washed, I sleep with it in my arms like some kind of comfort blanket. Owen has stopped hassling me about my sleep patterns, I am sleeping better than I was but still not as much as I should, but I am able to pass myself off as okay, sleep wise anyway in front of the others

I have some good nights and some bad, like last night. I was lying in Jack's bed staring at the ceiling wishing sleep would claim me when I just felt an overwhelming sense of loss, I can't explain it, it was like I suddenly felt like he was dead. It didn't last long, the feeling, maybe five minutes or so and then it went again but the dispair hit me where it hurts the most, in my heart and I spent the night sobbing for Jack. I know it's irrational but it's like he died for real, wherever he is and I felt it.

Gwen isn't taking no for an answer anymore, she says the next time they go out on a mission whether it's to collect some alien artifact that's slipped through the rift or Weevil hunting I am going with them. Apparently I am wallowing in self pity am in need of some fresh air, who is she to tell me what I need? And what makes her think she's in charge now Jack's not here, she's been here much less time than the rest of us. Toshiko stayed with me for a while this evening, I feel relaxed around her and able to vent some of my feelings. I've not asked her outright to keep them to herself, but I don't think she'll spill anything she thinks they, the others, don't need to know about.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

Thursday 1st November

Today I went out with the others for the first time, nothing dangerous it turned out. Something had been swept through the rift and when we found it it turned out to just be a hunk of metal, obviously just part of an alien ship that had somehow come apart. No idea if it happened before it got sucked into the rift and there was only this piece anyway or if the rift caused it.

On the downside Owen obviously thought it was safe to call me Tea Boy again, we had just got back and he yelled out that he needed coffee and followed it with the nickname, he never saw my fist coming. He didn't even try to retaliate, but I did catch Toshiko giving him a look, that if looks could kill he'd be six feet under now. He's going to have a real shiner in the morning, and I for one will be happy to see it.

I'm starting to feel like my mind is starting to feel a little clearer, my waking thought every day is still Jack, I still wake up and roll over in his bed expecting to see him next to me, that this is all a bad dream, but I'm starting to get through the day as normally as possible. It's only really when I'm on my own that the sadness creeps back in and I'm missing him like hell. I don't really want to lose that feeling, it's all I have now. If that feeling goes I'm scared I'll actually start to believe that he's never coming back, and that is something I don't want to contemplate.

And I still keep getting the feeling that he's dying, not all the time, it comes and goes. It seems to real, but surely wherever he is he's not really dying ... is he?

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

Friday 16nd November

Tosh tells me I need to start getting on with my life, that I can't keep mooning over Jack. I know in my head he might never return, but my heart keeps telling me otherwise. It's nearly three months since he left, left, not just disappeared or vanished but left of his won free will and as Tosh said if he could do that to me then maybe he's not worth it? I know she's not being unkind, just practical but I don't want to hear it.

I agreed to go to the pub with them last night, Owen didn't seem to give a toss whether I went or not, but Tosh and Gwen were hell bent on getting me there. Promised I only had to have one drink and then I could go if I wanted, Gwen and Owen have now realised that I'm living at the hub and it turned out this was so they could 'have a little chat' with me and try and convince me it wasn't healthy and I should go back to my flat.

One drink? Yeah right, I fully intended to have one beer and then go. But the more Gwen, it was mostly Gwen went on at me about how I'm not doing myself any favours by living in the hub and constantly thinking about Jack the more I drank. It was when I moved onto the double brandies it all went a bit pear shaped.

I was well on my way to getting pissed when I was left alone at the table, Gwen and Tosh had gone to the ladies and Owen to the bar when this girl came over to me. Said she's been watching me all evening and thought I was cute, she was almost as drunk as I was I think. Before I knew what I was doing she had led me out the pub and had me pinned against the wall with her tongue down my throat. I wasn't complaining, her mouth soft against mine, my hands on the curves of her body. That is until that awful feeling hit me again, of dispair, that Jack had died.

I pushed her off me without a word and walked away, her yelling obscenities at me, what the hell was I thinking? A few minutes longer and I'd have been shagging a stranger up against the wall of a pub, this is so not me. Damn you Jack Harkness, look what you are doing to me.

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

Wednesday 5th November

 

It was a very quiet day in the hub today, this isn't good as it gives me time to think about things I don't want to. Jack. He's been gone over three months now, I have made a concious decision to try and get on with my life. This is all well and good when I'm busy but when it's quiet my thoughts slip back to him again. I'm still getting those odd feelings now and then, almost every day that he is dying. This is something that I can't shut out as the feelings of loss are too great.

Mostly I'm just angry with him now, which isn't much better as it still seems to end up with me in tears. I've stopped sleeping in Jack's bed now and moved back to my flat, even I can see that by sleeping in Jack's bed was doing me more harm than good mentally. Gwen is pissing me off, trying to be so nice to me and telling me I should forget all about Jack, that maybe he'll never come back. What does she think I am stupid? I know she has feelings for Jack and is jealous now she knows that there was something more than just part time shagging going on between us.

Toshiko took me out this evening to a firework display, she told me it would be fun and I was going to enjoy it whether I wanted to or not. She bought me beer and a hotdog and yes they did a good display, so I 'spose it was worth going. Also I have a phone number in the pocket of my jeans, when Toshiko was off buying the hotdog this guy started chatting to me, asked if she was my girlfriend, he smiled when I said she wasn't. All I really know is his name is David, I never even noticed him slip the piece of paper in my pocket, Tosh came back and he vanished into the crowd.

I think maybe I might call him, what if Gwen is actually right as Jack isn't ever coming back? I can't spend the whole of my life waiting for someone who might not care enough to come back to me? I just wish I could get Jack out of my head completely, maybe David will be the solution. I'll sleep on it.

TBC


	11. Chapter 11

Saturday 15th November

I finally got up the courage to call David on Thursday, only 8 days after he slipped his number into my jeans. It wasn't at all a surprise when he said he thought he was never going to hear from me, I thought I was never going to make the call. He was busy last night so we arranged to meet this evening instead, he wanted to meet at the pub by the Plass, but I couldn't do that, too many memories to we arranged to meet at another pub in town.

We arranged to meet at 9pm, I nearly chickened out. I had just showered and was putting on jeans and a t shirt when I spotted one of Jack's shirts hanging in my wardrobe. How could I have forgotten it was there? I took it some with me one night after we spilt red wine down it, I meant to give it back when I had got the stain out but somehow it ended up, still unwashed in my wardrobe. And it was saturated with the unique scent of Jack, I ripped it off the coathanger and tossed it in the bin, dressed quickly and left the flat before I could change my mind.

David was already there waiting for me when I reached the pub, even though I was early. He was standing looking a little nervous outside it leaning against the wall smoking, he smiled when he saw me. It felt a bit odd at first, being out with someone other than Jack but as the evening wore on and we drank more lager I felt a bit more relaxed and Jack just became a niggling thought at the back of my mind.

All was well till we left the pub, we discovered we lived only a couple of streets away from each other, my flat being the closer so he said he'd walk with me. The kiss he gave me when we reached my flat was pleasant enough, very nice if I'm honest but I couldn't help myself thinking I wished it was Jack's lips on mine. We've arranged to meet again, I like him but my head is so confused.

TBC


	12. Chapter 12

Friday 28th November

I think I've fooled them all at work into thinking I'm over Jack, Owen takes every opportunity till to try and wind me up about Jack, I do my best to ignore him. He's not called me Tea Boy since I thumped him, so that was a good move it seems. Toshiko is the only one I've told about David, she says she's happy for me, that it'll do me good. I've not told her that I still think of Jack when I'm alone, I've not told anyone about the weird feelings I get that make me think Jack keeps dying, I'll keep that to myself and that shirt I threw away before my first date with David, I have to admit I took it out of the bin and it's under my pillow.

I went out on a third date with David last night, like the other two we just went to the pub. This time however we went to a different pub nearer to where David lives and I walked him home. He invited me in for coffee and I hesitated, I had a feeling if I said no I wouldn't see him again. I know I'd been keeping him at arms length, I decided to throw caution to the wind.

I found myself staring at him last night as he made the coffee, he's not my usual type at all. Not that I had a type in men before I met Jack, but in general. He's about my height, but very slim, very blonde and has pale green eyes. Even with girls I never really went for blonde's. He made the coffee and we sat on the sofa with the TV on, I felt a little like I shouldn't be there. We just sat talking for a long time, till he lent over and kissed me.Not the soft, tentative kisses that signaled the end of the last two dates, but hard and passionate. And I let him kiss me, I responded. For a while all thoughts of Jack had been kissed from my mind, we kissed, snogged like there was no tomorrow.

Until his hand moved to my crotch, anyone would think he's poured hot coffee on me I jumped so high. That I wasn't ready for, I had never slept with a man other than Jack and when he put his hand there my brain flooded with memories of Jack touching me. I felt tears welling up in my eyes, I know he saw them as I mumbled an apology about it being me and not him and fled his flat. I ran the short distance home and threw myself on my bed, dragged Jack's shirt from under the pillow and for the first time in weeks, I cried myself to sleep.

TBC


	13. Chapter 13

Saturday 29th November

When I finally dragged myself off the bed this morning, still fully dressed from last night there were more than a dozen text messages on my phone, all but one from David. The other was from Toshiko, asking how my date had gone. It took me a while longer to get up the courage to read them. I phoned Tosh first and admitted to her how I was still feeling about Jack and what a mess I'd made of last nights date.

Tosh told me that she didn't quite believe the front I was putting on at work where Jack was concerned and wasn't at all surprised by my revelation. She was very sympathetic about my nightmare date but she also told me if I really liked him I would have to tell him about Jack, or I would lose him. I told her I felt like I was cheating on Jack when I was with him, she told me only I could decide what I wanted.

She's right, but I already know what I want, I want Jack. And I can't have him, but can I settle for second best? That I don't know. Can I bring myself to sleep with another man? I don't know that either, before Jack I would never have even thought of sleeping with a man. Maybe it would be better if I met a girl? These are the questions I don't know the answers to.

I plucked up the courage eventually and read David's text messages, I was actually surprised. I thought he'd be angry with me and calling me every name under the sun but they were all just him asking if I was okay in various ways and threatening to come to my flat if I didn't respond by this evening to make sure I hadn't done anything stupid. I text him back and asked him to come round next Saturday, maybe by then I'll be ready to explain myself.

TBC


	14. Chapter 14

Saturday 7th December

I was feeling a little apprehensive when David came round yesterday evening, Tosh suggested I cook him a meal and open a bottle of wine. So I sent him a text telling him not to eat, hopefully we can talk over dinner. He arrived promptly at 8pm, I had already downed two glasses of red wine for courage. He made no attempt to kiss me, for which I was grateful. Luckily dinner was about ready to serve, I poured him a glass of wine and left him at the table as I went to dish the food up.

Neither of us spoke for most of the meal, except for David telling me I was a good cook and me thanking him. Finally David broke the silence by asking me to tell him why I had freaked out the week before. I took a long gulp of my wine and told him about Jack, nothing that would need him to be retconned, just that we had been together a while and just when I thought we were getting serious and I realised I was in love with him he left without a word.

I surprised myself by being completely honest with him, telling him I missed Jack and that I thought I was still in love with him, but that I didn't know if he was ever going to come back. I even admitted that Jack was the only man I had ever slept with. David barely said a word and when he stood up from the table I thought he was going to leave, but he pulled me up from my seat and kissed me softly.

Told me he liked a lot and hoped he could become as important in my life as Jack had been, that we could take it slowly, we talked long into the night and at some point ended up on my bed but nothing happened, we just talked till the early hours and then fell asleep, fully dressed. When I woke this morning and realised there was someone else with me I dared to hope it was Jack and then felt guilty when I remembered it was David, I was happy when he pulled me into his arms and kissed me deeply before he had to leave.

TBC


	15. Chapter 15

Sunday 15th December

I slept with David! Well technically we fooled around on my bed and took so much pleasure from touching each other. I never thought I would ever enjoy it so much with another man. A man that wasn't Jack; who knew his influence on me would make me finally admit to myself that I like men as much as women. I never even dreamed I would be attracted to men, no experimentation in my teens at all.

Talking of Jack I thought I would be feeling more guilty this morning than I am. I still miss him, hell I know I am still in love with him but seeing as he left me without even a note or a 'see you later' then perhaps he doesn't really have the same feelings for me as I do for him. Don't get me wrong, I felt a twinge of guilt when I woke next to David this morning. But no regret. 

I have no intention of telling anyone at work about this development. Toshiko will be supportive but I feel I need to keep this as something that is mine alone for now. Gwen, well she would congratulate me and I know I would see the glee in her eyes at the thought of Jack being single – dumped by me – when and if he returns. And Owen, the stick he would give me just isn't worth the hassle.

Seeing David in three days time and I can't wait.

TBC


	16. Chapter 16

Thursday 19th December

David and I went out in public for the first time together last night. He came to my flat as planned and suggested we went to the cinema to see a film he really wanted to see and I couldn't see why not. I mean he had a car so we could drive there and cinemas are dark, always a good thing when on a date.

We sat at the back and the screening wasn't even a quarter full so there was no-one sat close to us, not even in our row or the one in front of us. The film was action packed from what I saw of it, I think we made it though about half way before we started getting distracted.

To be honest I was wishing we had spent the evening in the flat alone so when my hand seemingly developed a mind of my own and rested itself on David's thigh. I left it there making tiny movements across the denim of his jeans until he grasped it in his own and placed it somewhere more intimate.

I don't think the rest of the people in the cinema noticed what I was doing and David can certainly contain himself if need be; as far as they were concerned it probably just looked like we were having a marathon snogging session. 

We were out of there the instant the credits began to roll and in David's car needing to be alone.

tbc


	17. Chapter 17

Wednesday 25th December

I thought today was going to be hard, last year I spent it in the hub with Jack. He had given us all the day off, said he would cope with whatever the rift threw at us unless it looked like the end of the world was nigh. But I had nowhere to really be, my sister had half heartedly invited me but I knew she would rather spend the day with her husband and kids so I declined, telling her I already had plans. 

Jack didn't seem that surprised when I turned up at work, I got the feeling he had been half expecting me to and he certainly didn't turn down the festive food I lugged there with me. He even set everything out on the table in the conference room while I made us coffee and after eating we devoured each other for desert. 

Today couldn't have been more different. I woke in my own bed with David by my side. He was still fast asleep so I crept out of bed, put the coffee machine on and pulled out the gift I had got for him from the back of the cereal cupboard, placing it on a tray along with salt and pepper pots and cutlery before setting about making breakfast.

I knew that he ultimate favourite breakfast was scrambled eggs on toast with bacon and that is what he would be getting. As I dished the mean onto plates he appeared at the doorway looking utterly delectable wearing only his briefs and his hair all tousled, hands behind his back. 

It turned out he had a gift for me too, no idea where he had been hiding it but it was perfect; a first edition of a book I had loved since I was a child and he loved the silver pendant on a black leather thong I got him. We ate, dressed and went for a walk in the peace and quiet of the early morning and spent the whole day together doing nothing more than enjoying each others company.

I do still wonder where Jack is, I admit I still miss him but I know after days like this I have to get on with my life and not put it on hold. 

tbc


End file.
